....well.
I don't even know where to begin, Internet. I don't want to be one of those random bloggers who uses you for comfort and venting of all their insidious "real world" problems and then just leaves you like an unwanted prom date when things start to look up. But I don't know where else to turn. Oh, Internet. Have you ever turned me away or judged me for the way I feel? I'm afraid I have no where else to turn for comfort. Once again I will have to use you to vent my frustrations. I hope you can forgive me.
Romance is not something that I understand easily. I'm just going to put that out there. I love many people, I have been as close to being "in love" as one can get without being certain. I've just never been a person that needs to be in a relationship. I'm probably too shy. I'm probably too accustomed to my current life. I also have a bit of trouble opening myself up to people, especially if I like that person. Anyway, I'm not a robot. I understand the impulse to be together, to love and to be loved. What I don't get is how a person can lose all sense of self and judgment in order to be with someone who makes them cry. I might be wrong, but this unanswered question is for me is an indication that I have not ever experienced "love" yet. For the simple reason that I can't imagine a force other than fear that would cause these reactions in one of the smartest, most creative, beautiful and strong people I know.
Internet, I am rambling. What I am trying to say is this; My sister is in love. My sister is spiraling away from me and anything in this world that could serve to anchor her. My sister is compromising herself in every way to be with a man whom she freely admits is selfish, whiny, uncaring about her, demanding, passive aggressive, resentful, manipulative, and a drug addict. Who owns a gun. Since being with this man, she has gotten fired because of him, physically harmed herself, taken up smoking and drinking, become resentful of everyone else in her life, and contracted a sexually transmitted disease that could cause cervical cancer. The absolute worst aspect of all of this is that nothing seems to affect her or to sink in. She shows no realization of just how much of a wake up call this disease is. She cries all the time. When she isn't crying she is angry. About anything and everything. I don't know how anyone can live like this. To be honest Internet, it is exhausting to deal with. Every other day I am dropping everything to comfort her through some crisis or staying up until 3:00, when I have to be up at 5:00, just to talk through everything with her. I've tried telling her what I think, gently, I've tried just listening and being there for her. I'm supportive but also cautious. Nothing works. It is just an endless cycle of misery and I honestly don't know what it will take for her to end this. She frequently says "I don't know why I love him," yet she cries hysterically at the thought of breaking up.
She has become so vain! She freaks out it she thinks she looks fat, if she can't find something, she's always late because she spends so much time putting on make up and doing her hair. She gets really hateful if she is stressed about her appearance. It is so strange! I don't know what to do anymore.
Sigh. Internet, what would you do?
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It is hard to live with, huh. I was going through the same thing she was, at basically the same exact time, and I can only imagine if I'd had a twin with me that she'd have felt the same as you. I wish I had some brilliant advice for you but... I dunno, emotions are just uncontrollable sometimes. I wrote extensively about the horrible vicious cycle during the time on my own *secret blog*... It's strange in hindsight because yea, we clearly can see the situation & know this guy is bad news, but... it's just unstoppable. Maybe because we're weak at heart, something lacking in our characters. I'd like to think I showed some strength when I finally did break it off, although I should have done it far earlier.
ReplyDeleteI hope to God you will never meet a guy as destructive as these in your life, but if you do, somehow I feel you may handle it better than either of us did. I think I've told you this before, but out of the three of us I believe you're the strongest. But maybe that also means you will have better judgment, and choose someone who's actually really GOOD for you... xD
Well, this is probably my very most negative view of the situation. All of my concerns and resentments come out and I am not completely sure that it is fair.
ReplyDeleteI remember you telling me about that relationship a bit. I do think that you showed incredible strength when you broke it off with him. I'm proud of you! However, I definitely do not think that the fact of your relationship or Eileen's indicates a weak heart. Not at all. There are so many things going on when a person falls in love. I mean, there is the heady experience of getting to know more and more about the other person and wanting to be what they want, wanting them to see your best side, etc. Being in love makes us vulnerable and we can never choose who we fall in love with. It makes us even more fragile. To top that off, just because you might come to realize that a person has an entirely different side to their personality doesn't mean that you lose the part of the person which made you fall in love in the first place.
As for me, I am kind of pathological in my avoidance of love. I am so afraid of losing myself and my mind in that situation. I think I have always been so leery of opening myself up completely that the idea of sharing that kind of love fills me with fear. if that makes sense. I am a cold cold fish. If/when I do fall madly, dorkily in love I fully expect to be none the wiser than anyone else because that is just not the way it works....