So, Eileen read my blog. I have it set to private, but the page was saved in my cookies and... well, she clicked and that was that. I don't blame her really. I am often intrigued by random crap that shouldn't intrigue me. So she clicked the name of a random blog in my saved sites... but then she read it, and continued to read it after it became apparent what it was. Hmm. She was very hurt by what I had said in my last post. And chose to tell me she had read it in order to confront me about the paragraph. I had to reread it in order to figure out what she could possibly be talking about, I did not remember writing anything about her on here (it has been pretty boring so far, eh?). So what I found was this;
I am slightly tipsy. I am deeply annoyed that my sister has become a smoker/drinker despite constantly ridiculing my parents for the same thing. I am annoyed that she is dating the second in a series of two gun-toting lunatics with drug problems and delusions of grandeur! I am incredibly pissed that she shows me a burn on her chest from the shell of a bullet from a gun that she fired and the recoil was too much for her delicate frame and acts as though this is normal and funny! I am beginning to think that I am just an angry person. I am unhappy and so I find fault with others happiness. Still, guns? Drugs? Self-obsession? My sister being so uncharacteristically gullible and easily manipulated? No. No thank you. I am, however, powerless to stop this thing from happening. All I can do is be there for her and make sure she has someone to hold onto when she falls. I say that I am tipsy. Explains why I don't remember it. Then it goes on to talk about 3 major points that I had discussed with her in person, because I was concerned and felt like I'd be a better friend to talk to her about my concerns. In other words, nothing new or shocking written in my tipsy haze. I end the paragraph vowing to be there for her should she need me. Hmm. I can totally see why she was so upset.
Yeah, I am bewildered. Yes, I am feeling a bit betrayed. I was very angry and hurt. Now I am calm and I understand better. Life is simply like this. People goof up and people get hurt.
Anyway, we got into a huge mad fight over everything last night. There were tears and screaming and foot stomping and a re-enactment of the tree-top fight scene in
crouching tiger, hidden dragon. Yeah. It was epic. It was so epic, that my dad, for once, chose to stay in his room huddled in fear and wait out the storm, instead of stomping upstairs and joining in the fight.
I held onto my stance that I was being supportive and that I had a few worries that I thought would be best if I shared them. Now, remember. Every single thing I know that is bad about A. (her bf) I learned from HER. She used to come home and make fun of him all the time. My dad takes pain pills for a bad back and a neck injury, but the Tylenol in his medicine is bad for him. A. Offers to cook it out. A. Saddled Eileen with work all the time. A. asked his gf to marry him and then panicked and ditched her at the last minute. A. tries to get Eileen to love him by telling her he can't quit dope without her. A. gives Eileen countless ultimatums. A. owns a gun. Etc.
Now, I was friends with A. when we worked in the same place. He is not dumb and he has a sense of humor. High qualities in my book. Also, he is not a mean guy. He is fairly sweet from what I know. But the guy has many problems. Problems that I'm afraid of. Problems that give me reservations about his dating my sister. Still, Eileen loves him or thinks she does and I know in my head that I can't say anything mean. So I simply remind her of the things she's told me and tell her that I need time to get used to it and that I want her to be careful. I'm not going to lie. I did tell her that there were things about him that bother me. I also made it clear that my opinion wasn't meant to change how she feels and that I would support her either way. That was over a span of time and I thought we were ok. They are going to go out no matter what. I do want her to be happy and she seems to be. But she is also extremely defensive. She treats myself and my dad as though we are the opposition, or at worst, burdens. Last nights fight stemmed from my saying I missed her. She had spent one day in two weeks at home. This angered her and we began to fight and she told me about reading this blog. She said she hates it here and that I am nasty to her when she is here... I honestly don't know what to do to dissuade that point of view. I haven't changed. I think she might be feeling guilty about something and projecting it onto me. If that is the case, I do not know what to do. She is just making everything that much harder on herself. I am so worried and hurt. I am very very tired.
If she reads this again, that is her mistake. If she takes this as my being mean, then I would remind her that I have been honest and forthcoming of my thoughts and feelings and that if she doesn't want to read it, then she should get out of my head. This place is for me to organize my thoughts. And, I thought, to have a little bit of privacy. I have been honest about how I feel, but I would never be so harsh as I am here. This is for me. I will not apologise for it.
